A LittleBig Problem
by Soundwave 0107
Summary: Optimus isn't the only one in a fritz. Brawl can't make heads nor tail of the dynamic heli-duo. Reand and Review! :D
1. Chapter 1

It was supposed to be another typical battle.

Megatron himself and a somehow-alive Blackout were attempting to break into a highly-secure bunker hidden in the middle of a forest, which contained information regarding NEST supply routes.. Blackout's infiltration skills and EMP had allowed him to completely ruin the bunker's defences, allowing Megatron to move in and destroy the stragglers to his minion's attack. Presently, the two 'Cons were trying to break down the massive bunker door that hid all the information, but it was resistant, though slowly but surely failing under the titan's brute strength. However, before the duo could break into it, two things happed.

First, a flame-painted Peterbilt semi-truck crashed into Megatron's legs, sweeping them out from the tyrant and sending the tank crashing to the floor, driving away before either Decepticon could react. Secondly, a charged electrical laser smashed into Blackout, knocking the helicopter into the wall. As both 'Cons recovered, they saw Jolt, the young Autobot's arms side-by-side in weapon mode, Ratchet standing by him, the Hummer's circular saw hissing with deadly promise.

The semi truck stopped in front of the other two Autobots, and unfolded, arms springing from the engine, the rig extending into legs, the wheels moving onto the limbs, the cab folding down into the chest, into the legendary Optimus Prime.

"Stealing mere data, Megatron?" Optimus growled at his fuming brother, his mouth-plate in place, a deadly blade springing from his left arm, his right arm pulling out one of his two Energy Pistols. "Rather low of you."

"Knowing is half the battle, Prime." Megatron sneered, his right arm shifting into the deadly cannon/blade, Blackout unsheathing a chain-gun and the tail-rotor blade, both Decepticons glaring at the three Autobots. "And you're in time for the second half!"

With that, the powerful boosters on Megatron's back flared to life, driving him forward with incredible speed, his blade raised back to impale the Prime, whom raised his blade in defence, only just holding off being impaled, but the larger mech's force smashed them to the ground, Megatron's left arm seizing Prime's gun and flinging it away before Optimus could fire it.

As the two wrestled, Blackout lunged forwards in a battle charge, Jolt also running for his larger foe, Ratchet following behind the faster soldier. Blackout raised his gun, but Jolt flung out his whip, wrapping it around the gun-arm, forcing it down and electrocuting the helicopter. Blackout roared in pain, but used his impressive strength to fling Jolt off his feet and through a tree.

Ratchet was next against the massive monster. As Blackout levelled the chain-gun at the medic, Ratchet grabbed the limb and pointed the weapon away from him, restraining the copter's hand, before swinging his deadly saw at the helicopter, whom managed to grab the medic's arm and preventing a nasty blow.

The two struggled against each other, Blackout's size matched by Ratchet's own strength.

The medic snarled: "How did you survive the aerial assault, coward?"

"You think mere human jets could destroy me?" Blackout hissed. "You are a fool!"

With that, Blackout's chest split, metal opening to reveal the infamous chest cannon.

"Oh sh-"

BOOM!

The Hummer was flung back at the powerful blast from the helicopter, whom cackled at his cheap shot and charged at the fallen Hummer-

Only for electric whips to suddenly wrap around his legs, tripping up the unlucky Decepticon, whom crashed ungracefully to the ground. Jolt quickly raced over and helped Ratchet up, as Blackout cursed and sputtered dirt out of his cranial systems.

Meanwhile, Megatron and Optimus were facing off against each other. The warlord sneered at his rival, before swinging his blade at Optimus, whom ducked this attack and landed an uppercut with his fist on Megatron's chin, knocking the tank back a step. Megatron's left arm spun round, however, and grabbed Optimus' head, throwing him away with deceptive strength, giving it's scrawny appearance.

Optimus landed roughly, though near his gun, as Ratchet and Jolt flanked him, Blackout returning to Megatron's side.

As the two sides faced off, Optimus growled and raised his retrieved gun. But before he fired it, he suddenly kicked at the ground, resulting a cloud of dirt and grass. In this split second of distraction, Optimus prepped his weapon and fired it at Megatron-

Only it wasn't a positive-charge energy blast that burst from the barrel, but a tiny thing that sped through the air and hit the warlord's right optic with an inaudible bump and fluttered to the ground.

Everyone froze and stared at the tiny thing on the floor, as Optimus glanced, bewildered, at his gun. What the hell had it fired?

Megatron's reaction was simple. He bent down and picked the tiny thing up with a finger, before bringing it up to face-level. He stared at it for a moment, before finally speaking:

"Prime. What is this?"

Prime didn't have an answer.

"It is a two-inch square diameter foil wrapping, containing a one-point-five diameter cylinder of plastic latex, slightly lubricated, that extends in a cover around eight inches long." Megatron continued, scanning the tiny thing in his claw. "And you shoot it at me. Why? It couldn't harm an Insecticon."

Before Optimus could reply, Jolt suddenly burst out laughing. The Volt was actually doubled over in laughter, his fellow 'Bots casting him a confused look, Megatron raising an optic-brow, and Blackout growling threateningly.

"What's wrong with you?" Ratchet asked the laughing blue car, whom laughed a little while longer, before finally replying, his speech choking with humour.

"HA! Optimus, you dirty dog! Hey, Megs! Read up "Condom" on the Internet!"

With that, Jolt burst into laughter again.

The other four did just this.

A few seconds of Internet browsing-

Megatron roared in disgust as he quickly dropped the little thing like a hot iron-bar covered in germs, before stamping on it with his treaded foot, the treads tearing up the ground, sending tiny bits of torn plastic thing everywhere, before obliterating it with his fusion cannon, Blackout leaping away from his Lord like he had a disease, while Optimus and Ratchet widened their optics in disgust and horror.

Then Ratchet started laughing as well.

"WHAT THE SLAG IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU SICK BASTARD?" Megatron roared in disgust, shaking his hand as though the condom's presence was still there. "YOU SHOOT ONE OF THESE THINGS AT ME? THE PIT!

Optimus could only gape (Well, his face-plate hid it, but still) in horror

"Always prepared for combat, aren't you, Prime?" Ratchet sniggered.

"It's a right battlefield, isn't it?" Jolt sniggered.

"I'll bet he was hoping a femme was here." Ratchet chortled.

"Gotta' load up your guns, right, Prime?" Jolt laughed.

"Eight inches, though! What a downer for his female victim!" Ratchet laughed.

"It ain't the size that matters, it's how you use it!" Jolt replied.

"Too bad he never has!" Ratchet roared with humour, Jolt joining in, and even Blackout sniggered, whereas Megatron kept stamping the crater of his humiliation and Prime had frozen.

"What was it's brand, anyway?" Jolt asked. "A Trojan or a Champ?"

"Maybe it was a Prime!" Ratchet sniggered.

"Maybe it was flame-painted!" Jolt laughed.

"Too bad the heat is only superficial!" Ratchet hooted.

Both Autobots hollered with laughter, before Blackout spoke up:

"Does it glow in the dark? Because then he would have a third energon blade. A blade that can't penetrate, though."

Jolt and Ratchet gaped at the chortling helicopter, before bursting into yet more raucous laughter.

"By the Allspark! Awesome!" Jolt cheered, sprinting over and holding his hand up to Blackout. "C'mon, Blackout, my man! High-five for the burn!"

Blackout chortled and slapped his massive hand against Jolt's: "Perhaps Prime needs to learn to aim better with his "ammo."

Jolt laughed loudly and replied: "There's always the simulations!"

All three trouble-makers laughed, and Megatron chuckled slightly at his brother's humiliation.

Prime was simply frozen in place.

"Hey, Prime! Methinks you need an upgrade in the size department!" Ratchet chortled. "Eight inches won't do anyone a favour!"

"Why should Prime always fix his "guns?" Jolt asked, nudging Blackout playfully.

"Why?" The Decepticon asked.

"Because they always fire off too early!"

The trio roared with hilarity, Ratchet slapping his knee joint, even Megatron laughing.

Prime was still frozen in place.

"Lord Megatron, why is Prime always so grumpy?" Blackout said to the tank, whom shrugged and replied:

"Why?"

"Because no-one wants to blow his horn!"

The four roared with yet more laughter, and Optimus finally burst into movement, yelling angrily:

"Shut up! ALL OF YOU, SHUT UP!"

"Hey, Prime, taken anyone's faces lately?" Megatron asked.

"He always did need practice with the oral!" Jolt sniggered.

"Practice makes perfect!"

"If only it stayed in the barrel when it should!"

The four were laughing again, and Optimus was blatantly swearing at them, gesturing violently with his energy hooks.

"What does Optimus say to any femme of his height?" Megatron asked the other three.

"What?" The trio chirped.

"One shall stand, one shall kneel!"

They were laughing again, and the laughter drummed into the poor trucks head painfully.

"Shagging is the right of all sentient beings-" Blackout laughed.

"-Now if only they'd actually let me shag them!" Jolt hollered.

Finally, Optimus screamed in frustration, transformed and drove off in a rage, smashing aside innocent trees as he fled from the taunting

The other four stared after him, before ratchet offered his hand to Megatron: "Truce?"

"Truce."

"Wait till the others hear about this!"


	2. Chapter 2

Today was an exciting day for the Autobot forces.

A new Autobot was arriving, and it was Ratchet and Sideswipe who were off to greet the new arrival.

Every new 'Bot counted. After all, the arrival of funky and cool Breakaway, and resurrecting Jazz and Jetfire via the legendary Matrix of Leadership added three to the Autobot's substantial numbers, and another brave soldier would be well appreciated by the Prime.

Currently, Ratchet and Sideswipe, the latter leading due to superior speed, though the Hummer kept up with the Corvette thanks to durability over the rough ground, were in Nevada, driving towards the new Autobot's landing zone.

"So, Ratchet, who's the new guy?" Sideswipe asked idly, as they got ever so closer to the landing zone.

"I don't know. Their communications are done. We have their location, but not their identity."

"Guess we'll find out in a minute." The warrior replied, noting a fiery something falling in the distance.

"Speed it up, Sideswipe. Let's meet our new comrade." Ratchet replied, as the two vehicles sped up.

In the distance, the meteor crashed in an area of flat land, leaving burning but controlled chaos in its wake. As the two Autobots approached the "meteor", it started to unfold into a new mech. Transforming to robot mode, Sideswipe and Ratchet took in the new arrival with wide optics, before Ratchet screeched:

"NO!"

Sideswipe, being the opposite, shouted with glee: "It's him! It's him!"

"No! Please, dear Allspark! Not him! Anyone but him!"

"He's here at last! I've missed him so much!"

"I already have enough crap to deal with! Not him! Anyone but him!"

"Hooray! I can't wait to show him around!"

"Please, human deities! Let this be a nightmare!"

"Hooray!"

As Ratchet screeched in his unhappiness and Sideswipe cheered, the new arrival stepped from the crater and declared:

"Hey, everybody! BAM! Let's go blow some shit up! POW!"

Sideswipe ran forward and hugged the massive mech, while Ratchet ground out:

"It's fucking Warpath."

**Author's Notes: Be honest now: How many of you thought, judging by Ratchet and 'Swipe's reactions, that the new arrival was Sunstreaker? Don't be shy.**

**But in all honesty, I'd prefer Warpath over Sunny any day. Why? Because Warpath don't give one about his paint-job. He blows shit up! BAM!**


	3. Chapter 3

Brawl was confused.

He'd been confused on why Megatron actually kept around a traitorous piece of crap like Screamer around. He'd been confused on why Devastator held those two wrecking balls in a groin-bound position. He'd even been confused on how Scalpel had picked up an accent based on a human-based stereo typical image of a "Nazi Doctor"

But this, was a really confusing thing.

Before him, stood twins. Two giants, towering over him, the exact same height and model of heavy-duty helicopter. Same robot mode: Thick arms, rotors hanging like capes, heads in between the helicopter cockpit, thick legs, and a weird metallic loincloth thing. But still:

They looked the same.

Brawl sighed, rubbed his head and asked: "Alright, just tell me! Which of you is Grindor, and which is Blackout?"

"I'm Blackout." Both replied. "And I'm Grindor."

"NO! Which one, specifically, is Blackout and Grindor?"

"Blackout is black."

"YOU'RE BOTH BLACK!"

"Grindor likes to grind."

"YOU BOTH LIKE TO GRIND!"

"Then we are both Blackout and Grindor."

"NO! WHICH IS WHICH?"

"He's Blackout." Both replied, pointing to the other. "And I'm Grindor. But then, if wee are Blackout and Grindor, then who is Grindor, and who is Blackout? Perhaps he's Grindor, perhaps I'm Grindor. Perhaps he's Blackout and I'm Blackout. Then who is who? We don't know."

Brawl screamed in frustration and stormed off, roaring and gesturing violently, as his treads revved. his guns prepped and his claws clenched, smashing aside an unsuspecting Thundercracker, whom swore in response.

Blackout and Grindor looked at each other.

"We love doing that." They sniggered.

"But no matter what, there is always one thing that is truly the same." Thundercracker stated to them, getting up after that shove. "You're both Megatron suck-ups."

"Frag you, Thunder-crapper."

"That's what your femme creator begged me to do to her."


End file.
